My Ears are Proud and Collision is Such an Ugly Sound

"Every minute is arranged, every moment lasts a day. Thinking about it can't help me let go, I know." -- Jim Adkins, Jimmy Eat World

So I was thinkin'...when I do these quote posts, maybe I should write up an explanation. I first thought about doing this when my clinician asked me to explain why I had chosen the last quote. After I ended up talking about it for about twenty minutes I realized I had a lot to say about it.

Like poetry, song lyrics can usually be interpreted in many different ways. Sometimes you can find meaning in just a single phrase that may mean something totally different when looked at with the other words around it or when heard by someone else. What I'm saying is, this quote is most likely taken way out of context, but really, who cares? It means something meaningful to me (even if the song has some lame "ha ha ha's" in it.).

The first part is just simply about how most people don't realize the vast amounts of pre-stuttering preparation that goes into making an eye-twitching, facial-contorting, no-sound-coming-out-while-everyone-waits, overall freakish moment not just good, but great. (That's one of those "laughing at myself on the outside and crying on the inside" type of sentences, but really, don't worry, it's more laughing than crying.)

The second part is about how I think about things all the time and analyze everything until every angle is thought about. Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's just an exercise that helps me pretend like I'm getting somewhere when I'm actually not doing a damn thing. But to keep this strictly about speech production - it's good that I think about my speech and everything entailed in that, but at some point it needs to lead to action if any real changes are going to be made. And not just action, but me letting go, not caring what other people think, realizing my fears and overcoming the irrational ones. Another quote from the same song ties in well with this: "Gotta love how it's somehow all on me." I have people who are willing to help me and have put a lot of effort into helping me, but it all comes down to me (as well it should and as well it has to). That's something else I have to deal with.

The title of this post is actually a line from the song too. "Collision" is obviously my total struggle while trying to talk. While I'm obviously used to the way I talk, it's still no fun having to go through it all the time. And since I am a fan of brutal honesty, I won't cringe at calling my struggling ugly. I should just be glad it's just my ears I have to deal with and not my eyes too.

After reading through this, it may come across as negative, but fear not! I like where I am right now.